Kay Hannaford
  • Home
  • About
  • Insights

Clever Questions

7/30/2015

6 Comments

 
Picture
I love a clever question, the kind that really jolts you and causes you to think in a completely new or different way. It’s not surprising - as a coach and mentor, asking questions is my stock-in-trade. (Yes, contrary to popular misconceptions, coaching and mentoring are both largely about asking questions, not giving answers or advice!)

A really clever question can stop you in your tracks, in a good way, and even change the course of your life or career. What prompted a friend’s recent job change was a coach asking her the question: “What are you tolerating right now?” Until she considered that question, she hadn't realised how unhappy she was in her old role. The outcome - a new role that is exhilarating, and comparatively stress-free.

I had a similar experience years ago when asked about my then less-than-healthy relationship, “Where is this relationship heading?” Once the question was asked, there was nowhere to hide from the obvious answer. It ended soon after, making way, ultimately, for the relationship I’d always wanted.

Coaches are trained to ask clever questions to expedite attitude and behaviour changes and decisive action. Here are some examples;
  • When someone is upset, caught up in a drama and feeling powerless, these two simple questions can lead to clarity: “What happened?” and “What did you make that mean?”
  • The best questions to ask someone who is busy blaming others are “What can you be responsible for?” or “What’s your role in this?”
  • For a procrastinator, a direct “What are your options?”, “What else?”, “What else?” (resist the temptation to let them off the hook after the first couple of responses - leave some silence in there to encourage them to dive deeper) then “Which option will you choose?”, “When will you get started” and “When will you have it done?”. If you really want to hold them to account, you can add “How will I know when it’s done?”
  • If a person answers “I don't know”, simply ask “What if you did know the answer, what would you think/do?” You’ll be surprised at how this ‘unblocks’ their thinking.

You don't have to be a coach to ask clever questions. It just takes some thought and practice to get into the habit of asking questions rather than providing answers, advice or directions. And it pays off, whether you are a leader of a team or a parent. Apart from enabling and empowering people to think for themselves and use their initiative, questioning simply works better than telling. Neuroscience now shows that when you tell someone to do something, the brain’s automatic response is to arc up, like a two-year old, and resist. Because the job of the brain is to keep us safe, the brain deciphers ‘telling’ as a threat to our safety. This explains why so many of us hate being told what to do or how to do it. We’re not just being difficult, our brains are actually wired that way.

Now that I understand this, whenever my partner says ‘No’ to my clever questions, ideas and suggestions, I just wait for him to realise that there's no threat to his safety and he almost always agrees, in time.

Do be careful though. The best planned question may not lead to the response you want or expect. Overheard alighting from a train during school holidays, a young mother with a friend and six small children between them, asked “Who’s going to be the best behaved child at the Museum today”? 

“Not me”, quipped the eldest, instantly mimicked by all the rest.






6 Comments

Who's in your team?

7/1/2015

0 Comments

 
Picture
You don't have to play a team sport or lead a work team to have a team of your own. Or several teams.

Whatever role we play in life, we are it! An extraordinary creation, the one and only source of the unique spectrum of talents we offer to this world and as such, we are responsible for keeping ourselves operating at optimum performance.

When you think of it like this, it’s clear that we need to invest in ourselves. Despite the plethora of self-help books and advice available, we all need support and expertise from others to keep ourselves fit and well and maximise our gifts and talents so that we can serve others. 

All humans have different dimensions - physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual - that need to be nurtured. When one or other of these is neglected we become out of sorts, stressed, discontented or unwell. This is where our teams come in.

I was reminded of this recently when I had back problems. My chiropractor recommended I see a pilates instructor to strengthen my core muscles. The daily exercise program she provided is invaluable, and it made me realise I need to add her to my ‘wellness team’. There’s a growing number of people I rely on regularly to help keep me fit and well: my doctor, dentist (who I consult far more regularly than I might like), skin specialist who keeps an eye on my moles, my yoga teacher, chiropractor, masseuse and now my pilates instructor.

This is just one of my teams. Having recently joined Intersect co-working group, my co-workers who share the space and services here have become important components of another - my ‘work team’. This team includes clients and champions - people who sing my praises to others - as well as those whose services support my work - mentors, legal and financial advisors, my accountant, cleaner and the car service people who keep me on the road.

My ‘social team’ spreads across the globe and comprises close and extended family members, old and new friends, social media friends, and neighbours who are a vital part of my local community. 

Considering all the people we count on to be there for us when we need or want them, it’s humbling to see how much we take them for granted. 

What to do? Show appreciation by acknowledging them for the role they play. A client told me yesterday how much he values our regular mentoring conversations as he navigates a major transition and builds a new business. I really appreciated that - and an email from a participant in a workshop I ran who tracked me down via my website to tell much how much he learned about mentoring. An old friend with whom I recently spent 3 days away sent a text thanking me for being her ‘perfect holiday mate’. It doesn't take much yet it means the world to be acknowledged. 

You might have different teams - a cycling or hiking team, a knitting or bridge team. Make a picture or list of your teams. This is a great way to bring gratitude to the fore and really appreciate these people and the value they add. Some may be in several teams. You might even have a ‘top team’. Your family? How do you show your appreciation and nurture these key people?

While you’re considering who is in your team, don't forget that you are an important member of other people’s teams, too. Who counts on you? How do you measure up as a team member? How generous, available and reliable are you? 

And what will you now do about that?


0 Comments

    Archives

    June 2020
    November 2019
    August 2019
    December 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    May 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    October 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    July 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014
    January 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013
    April 2013
    January 2013
    December 2012
    October 2012

    Categories
    #joy
    #singing
    ​
    ​
    ​



    All
    #emotions
    #meditation
    #thoughtless

    RSS Feed

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.