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Facebook imposter syndrome

2/6/2015

4 Comments

 
Picture
The first news that somebody was pretending to be me on Facebook came via a text message on Tuesday morning, while I was walking on the beach. “I received a Facebook friend request from you today. Do you have a new account or is someone using your details as a scam?”, it read.

My heart sank. I thanked my friend and asked her advice on what I should do.

“Mmm, I think contact Facebook…already three mutual friends accepted. Change your password asap and then put a notification out to your friends that this has happened and that they shouldn't friend the new one  - it has no picture - and I will check further when I have time..”  she added.

I thanked her and rushed home to warn my Facebook friends.




Within minutes, an avalanche of comments appeared alerting me to what had happened and how they’d already accepted or not accepted their requests. By now the imposter was evidently also using my profile photograph. Several friends advised that they had reported this to Facebook, for which I was very grateful. 




But when it came to contacting Facebook myself, I felt hopelessly ill-equipped. I’d heard that it is hard to find your way through the Facebook system so I emailed another friend, who I felt sure would know. She advised me to report it to Facebook via https://www.facebook.com/help/174210519303259 and they would take it down. She also suggested, tongue in cheek, that I use the experience as a segue to a blog post about the imposter syndrome. (I don't think this blog is what she had in mind, but it triggered the idea!)




I went straight to the Facebook website and tried following the instructions. It wasn’t straightforward and I felt increasingly frustrated, inadequate and powerless. By this time, my phone was ringing and dinging with messages from all and sundry who’d been contacted by my nemesis. Some reported on the state of their health and well-being and thanked me so much for enquiring (I hadn’t). Others had been advised that I had won a large sum of money (??) or were feeling harassed by intrusive and inappropriate questions. My blood pressure was rising. I felt obligated to reply to all these calls and messages in the midst of an already busy work day and was feeling increasingly overwhelmed.




Another tech-savvy friend who alerted me to his friend request, replied that I hadn’t been ‘hacked, (as I’d mistakenly described it) but rather ‘cloned’. He also suggested I check my privacy settings and make sure that no one can see who I am friends with ((sounds so easy, doesn’t it?). He added:




“Look up the group called FaceCrooks for advice on how to do this, if you aren't sure”. Ha. Who knew about this? It turned out to be just what was needed - the dummies guide to Facebook.




At least I was learning a lot! After several aborted attempts, by Thursday night I managed to report the problem to Facebook - several times for good measure. 




Even though identity theft has happened to other friends, I’ve been genuinely surprised at the level of stress and anxiety it causes. I’ve felt violated and angered on behalf of my friends and family who have shared experiences with me which I have in turn shared on facebook, with complete trust. That now feels like total naiveté. I’ve had two sleepless nights and wanted to avoid Facebook like the plague or take myself off altogether. 




Finally, today, Saturday, the imposter has gone, I think! How do I know? Yesterday two old friends contacted me via sms to thank me for being in touch (I hadn’t) and tell me all their news, complaining that facebook wouldn't allow them to respond.  So I knew at least the imposter had been blocked. When I searched for my own page this morning, there’s now only one of me. The real one. (For four days there were two, mine and the imposter’s, displaying a lot of my friends who had accepted the friend-request, the wrong birthdate and a lot of apps that I don’t use).




I now know that facecrooks.com is a really useful website not just for dealing with identity theft, but for good advice to protect yourself, something I had avoided because of my fear of the technology. I have taken their advice and changed my email address and password on facebook and will change my profile pics (the old ones feel ‘soiled’ now) to something without my face, if I stay.




It’s been said many times how superficial social media relationships are compared to the real thing, how they provide the illusion of popularity without any of the investment of time and effort that enriches true friendships. I’ve been deeply moved this week by the warmth of the messages I’ve had and the level of personal disclosures friends have made to my clone, thinking it was me taking a genuine interest in them. It has embarrassed me to realise how little real communication and contact I have with so many of my friends compared to how much time I spend as a voyeur in their lives; a spectator and contributor to the passing parade of photographs, homilies, clever comments, complaints and tidbits of news that typify many of our Facebook relationships.




I haven’t decided whether to leave Facebook altogether and perhaps reinvent myself to return at a later time or simply change my profile pics and carry on. Either way, I’m quite grateful for the opportunity this experience has provided to reflect on the nature of friendship and the seduction of social media. 




From now on, I’d like richer relationships with my friends rather than simply scanning their Facebook posts for entertainment. Perhaps I will be able to enjoy both again, once the wounds have healed.




















4 Comments
Annette Cameron link
2/15/2015 01:23:36 pm

Dear Kay
I am so glad that your turmoil is over. I personally am not a huge fan of facebook. The only positive that it has done is connected me with friends that I haven't see for years and stay in touch when the children are travelling. It has been a useful tool for marketing the Bed and Breakfast. But for me to communicate I love a good old fashion chat on the phone. My response to people is ring me as we can sort it in 3 seconds instead of 3 days of backwards and forwards. Better still come and see me. I can then see your facial expression. And I know that it is YOU.
My response to Kay No2 a few weeks ago was 'We must catch up would love to feel the sand between my toes and have a conversation of substance." No response to from Kay No 2. That when I knew it wasn't really you.
So when are we going to do face to face so that I can see your smile and not your stress face from your clonning experience.
Annette No 1 ( The original)

Reply
kay
2/15/2015 01:45:43 pm

Hi the original and one and only Annette. Give me a call and lets' arrange a beach walk soon. We have lots to catch up on...including Facebook!

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Con link
2/15/2015 03:43:03 pm

Dear Kay,
A very enlightening read and I particularly appreciated you sharing the emotional strain and frustration of such an experience. Reading through your post, what struck me was that even technology such as Facebook can't truly clone the "real" Kay. In other words, your friends know you better and saw through the fake posts.

A great insight for me was this point that you Madeline: "It’s been said many times how superficial social media relationships are compared to the real thing, how they provide the illusion of popularity without any of the investment of time and effort that enriches true friendships." It really captures for me why I don't have an intimate relationship with social media :). Thank you!

Reply
Kay
2/15/2015 04:25:30 pm

Thanks Con. Yes scoial media can feel superficial and chew up lots of time but on the other hand, I have connected with really precious friends from years gone by and I can witness the growing faces of children of family and friends who live far away, all enriching in other ways. I've certainly pulled back though since this experience.

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