Kay Hannaford
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What stops us from saying 'No'

7/25/2013

18 Comments

 
One of the biggest causes of stress is the inability to say ‘No’. Or, more accurately, it’s the unwillingness to say ‘No’.  The costs are severe  – exhaustion, grumpiness, resentment, even fear and abuse – yet still we continue to say ‘Yes’ when we really want to say ‘No’.

Why? It’s a complex issue but the answer lies in the meanings we attached to the word ‘No’. Those meanings are different for all of us, but there’s one common underlying fear.

Our most basic fear is “people won’t like/love me anymore if I say ‘No’’’. Other versions of this include “they may not ask me/hire me/invite me/talk to me/include me/admire or respect me”. Then we add more meanings such as, “if that happens, I’ll be redundant/irrelevant/a social outcast/unemployable/unpopular/lonely/poor” and so on.

The reality is that other people will think what they think about us whatever we say. If we say ‘No’ in a non-aggressive or non-antagonistic way, they will probably like/love/ask/hire/invite/talk to/include/admire and respect us even more! That’s my experience and, increasingly, the experience of my clients as they practice saying 'No' to their managers, their colleagues, their friends and to their children.

We’ve all heard the adage ‘It’s not what you say but how you say it that counts’. According to communication researcher Albert Mehrabian, 55% of a message received in face to face communication is visual (how you look when you say it, facial expression, body language), 38% is vocal (how you sound, your tone) and only 7% is verbal (what you say, the actual word or words).

Applied to the word ‘No’, imagine saying it with a smile and a light-hearted, friendly tone. “No, thanks.” Or ‘No, I can’t do that today’. End of story. No explanations or apologies. Just a clear, simple response.

There are lots of acceptable ways to say ‘No’ without resorting to white lies or weak excuses. People see through falsehoods and feel much worse about being lied to than being refused.

Often we think we have to soften the message with a reason. Instead of being honest, we make up excuses. “I have something else on that day/evening”. Why? To spare other people’s feelings? Perhaps, but it’s more likely that we are sparing our own feelings about how they might react. If you just say ‘No, thanks’ with a smile and a friendly tone, people may look a little taken aback, but they’ll get over it. That’s not your problem.  You also don’t have to suggest someone else for them to ask, to make yourself feel better, unless they ask for your recommendations.

We love to feel needed, though and that’s one of the biggest deterrents to saying ‘No’.

A client of mine, highly sought-after in her field, was constantly asked for professional favours. She was also constantly stretched in all directions, feeling that she always had to comply.

We started by clarifying her priorities. This is a useful exercise to do at any time. It’s very helpful in assessing how you want to spend your time and with whom.

Then she decided to ask everyone to put their requests in writing. This gave her time to consider each on its merits and weigh up whether or not it fitted with her priorities. Once a choice was made, she found it easier to say ‘No’ in writing than verbally. Her next step was to redirect her emails to her assistant, indicating which she wanted to accept and refuse. A lot of people stopped asking, knowing that she was no longer a ‘soft touch’ (you know that old ‘ask a busy person’ thing?) but the ones that still ask now get thorough consideration and often an enthusiastic ‘Yes’. That’s a win/win.

If you can’t say ‘No’ powerfully, you can’t say ‘Yes’ powerfully either. I notice people who admit they are not good at saying ‘No’ often also find it hard to commit to things and stick to their commitments. In other words, they find it hard to say ‘Yes’ too. As a result, their lives are often chaotic and their stress levels high.

I once asked a friend if she would accompany me to the opening of a new business. “No thanks, dear”, was her swift reply, “I couldn’t think of anything worse”. I was a little stunned for a moment at her brutal honesty, but she went on to chat amiably about other things. When the conversation was over, I found myself admiring and even downright envying her. I wasn’t the least bit offended because it wasn’t personal and I didn’t take it that way. Instead, I vowed that one day, I would have the courage to do the same. It may be something to do with maturity – she was 30 years older than me and I do think one worries less about what others think as one grows older.

Managing people’s expectations is a good way to alleviate any discomfort about saying ‘No’. “I think it’s a fabulous design but I won’t be buying one” circumvents your need to refuse an invitation to a sales event. “I love that you enjoy psychodrama so much but it’s not my thing”. “I’ve allocated my charitable donations for this year, so please don’t call me again”.

If you’re caught out without warning and feel that a simple ‘No’ is not enough, just be honest. “No thanks, I’m really tired/too lazy to drive all that way/ up to my neck in meeting a deadline/can’t face a room full of people /don’t enjoy that sort of thing”, whatever is authentic for you at that moment.  Having a clear intention not to hurt or embarrass the other person, will always work for you – it comes out in the tone of your voice.

In all likelihood, people will admire you for your honesty and vow that, one day, they too will learn to do the same!

18 Comments
Julie Stevens
7/24/2013 05:59:03 pm

Hi Kay,
I found this a thoroughly interesting read and shared it with a friend who will love it's relevance! Regards Julie

Reply
Kay
7/24/2013 06:01:04 pm

Thanks so much Julie. Great to hear from you

Reply
Jenny Opie link
7/24/2013 09:37:53 pm

I always love hearing what you have to say my wise and wonderful friend.

Kay
7/24/2013 10:35:14 pm

Thank you Jenny, and thanks for sharing this blog on Facebook.

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Rainer Jozeps
7/25/2013 10:44:47 am

Great blog Kay, straighforward understandings that we (I) need to be reminded of. My wish to be liked and approved of, can rule over my ability to determine when to say 'yes' and when to say 'no'.
Thank you.

Reply
Kay
7/25/2013 11:50:11 am

Thanks Rainer, join the club! Very glad you found it useful.

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Chrissy Stevenson
7/31/2013 08:08:44 am

Thanks for this reminder Kay. What I find really difficult is saying no to a new acquaintance, met at a dinner party say, who asks us to dinner. Now in our later years, we find we have old friends that we don't see enough of, so it is difficult to make room for more. What kind of response is appropriate" sorry , I have too many friends already". I just can't get those words out of my mouth! Chrissy

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Kay
7/31/2013 03:37:42 pm

I know what you mean. The answer may be already there in your comment eg "Thanks so much for asking but I'll say No. Our priority these days is to spend as much time as we can with our old friends but we've really enjoyed meeting you".

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Con Pappas
7/31/2013 06:10:31 pm

What I got out of reading this is that "no" is not a negative word - in fact, it is an honest and courageous word that plays to our integrity. Nicely articulated, Kay - a great personal lesson for me who suffers from over-indulging in "yes".

Reply
Kay
8/2/2013 04:21:25 pm

Great response, thank you Con. It does take courage but I find practicing in small ways helps when it's time to say No in big ways.

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Deborah Bogle
8/2/2013 04:09:05 pm

Terrific blog Kay. Such sound advice and what I love about it is the tone, and the fact that in reading it, I can hear you saying it, so it's almost as good as sitting down with you over a cup of tea. You are a treasure. xx

Reply
Kay
8/2/2013 04:19:30 pm

Thanks Deborah. Lets sit down and have that cup of tea soon. X

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Debra Philps
8/3/2013 03:59:10 am

You're right! I'm getting much better at saying no. It's easier than you think it's going to be!

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Kay
8/3/2013 08:01:43 pm

Good work, Debra. Keep it up.

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Sanne Reijenga
8/13/2013 05:06:54 pm

Thanks for these great words Kay - it's good to be reminded that saying No is not a bad thing or a negative thing to do. Kind regards, Sanne

Reply
Kay Hannaford
8/13/2013 06:11:04 pm

Thanks Sanne. In the right context and said in the right tone, saying 'No' can be very liberating for both parties.

Reply
Carolyn
9/9/2013 01:21:19 pm

"...its the way you say it..." that is most important and it takes some practice, but is usually fruitful if you pull it off!

Reply
Kay
9/9/2013 01:31:56 pm

Yes it is. That seems to apply to lots of things we say. Thanks for your comment Carolyn.

Reply



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